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September 29, 2005
four moronic things i believed as a kid
(1) I used to think that we pledged allegiance to the "Witch that Stands" in morning assembly.
(2) I convinced myself for some reason that Mica (as in: the sheeted mineral) was valuable as gold in Mexico. This was probably just to rationalize my pastime of sifting painstakingly through the sand on the playground, extracting the minutest shiny specks, rather than interacting with my disapproving classmates.
(3) Unaware of the multiple meanings of the word "free", I didn't understand the "drug free" campaign. "Why would we want to make drugs free?" I asked myself. Struggling to make sense of it, I ended up concocting the following nonsensical explanation: "If drugs are free, then there won't be any monetary value attached to them. And if they aren't valued, then people won't think they're worth anything. So they won't use them." I also remember thinking that the "drug free" campaign involved legalization.
(4) My parents never told me about human sexuality, but as a kid I read a variety of books on animal behavior. So I understood, in ridiculous detail, how a female wolf was impregnated--however, I was unable to extend this process to the human sphere. I believed, rather, that a woman was impregnated on her wedding night by dancing with the groom; nine months later, a child was spawned out of her anus.
Posted by onion slayer at September 29, 2005 12:11 PM
Comments
I think you can still be right on number one.
Number 2 I associate with the HBO Deadwood series.
Although you were ridiculously wrong on the meaning of "drug free", you surprisingly picked up on some econ stuff very well. For instance, isn't what is driving the want to own housing the off the walls pricing in the first place? What's that called again? I believe there is a name for this. Which would make sense for drugs. If they are free, they are worthless. Ah, the meaning that is associated to expensive things! Coming from Eastern Europe, however, I know better than to buy a $1000 Louis Vouitton zebra striped handbag that could very well pass for $2 at a thrif store.
No comment on four, especially about the anus part. Freud would have a field day with you! But, let me add that I used to believe babies either popped out of women's navels or materialized in pure air. Aren't you glad the latter is particularly not true?
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